At 2:11 am on December 1, 2027, your house in El Paso, Texas, will be approached by numerous
unidentified beings of Serbian origin with malicious intent.
The knocking is getting louder.
You recognize the voices.
But there is something off about them.
They are telling you to let them in.
Are you prepared for this situation?
If not, you are already behind, and your chances of survival have drastically decreased.
Today, we will discuss how to effectively defend against home invasion.
All you will need is a twelve-gauge shotgun, an M84 flashbang, Sweet Baby Ray’s barbecue
sauce, and a twenty-thousand-kilogram block of solid uranium 235.
We must first create a diversion.
This will distract the assailants such that you have an opening for tactical withdrawal.
It is for this reason that we brought the barbecue sauce.
Using your buff, well-toned arm, lob the barbecue sauce out the window at exactly 100 meters
per second at an angle directly parallel to the outside ground.
This gives you exactly 1.11 seconds to escape the vicinity before the barbecue sauce lands
on the ground and explodes into a lethal fireball as all nearby objects are incinerated by a
common household condiment burning at six thousand degrees Celsius.
A single tear escapes your eye, as you realize that you will probably never taste the sweet
nectar of Sweet Baby Ray’s again.
Not after the sigma variant caused the downfall of the barbecue sauce supply chain, a great
regime whose unwavering glory surpassed that of the Roman Empire at its peak.
But right now, more important matters are at hand.
You will never forget the sacrifice that Sweet Baby Ray’s made to save your own life and
entrust in your hands the future of human civilization.
There is no turning back now.
You must now take action and seek immediate vengeance.
Carefully breach your bedroom door with the twelve-gauge shotgun and clear the outside
area with an M84 flashbang.
Then run towards the nearest exit, making sure to make random turns and detours to confuse
the enemy, for if you do not know your next move, neither can they.
Finally, once you are outside, it is time to unleash the fury of a twenty-thousand-kilogram
block of solid subcritical uranium 235.
With your house surrounded, it only makes sense to make one last stand for the survival
of human civilization.
This is what you have been preparing for.
Assuming that you have not been lacking, you should easily be able to replicate the compression
effects of a chemically-fueled implosion assembly nuclear weapon explosive lens with your bare
hands to force the fissile uranium into supercriticality, causing an exponential growth of nuclear chain
reactions that releases two hundred twenty-six billion joules of energy into the surrounding
environment.
But this is not a tragic case of self-sacrifice, because you took a swig of sweet baby rays
before running out of the house.
You will not go gentle into this good night, for souped up on the sweet nectar of God,
you are now essentially a human nuclear recoilless gun.
No mortal shall oppose you now, for you have ascended to a plane of existence touched by
no other living man.
Your opponents will not even realize what is happening before a beam of fissile material
transfers five hundred kilotons worth of TNT through their chest, killing them instantly.
You are above humanity now.
You are a god.
The entire world is at your fingertips and you can do anything you want on a whim.
With this infinite power in your hands, you will finally be able to