- Problem was there twasn't no proof!
- This reminds me of, like, "Waterboy" or something.
- Yeah.
You know, now that I practice.
- Medulla oblongata.
- Now that I practice in Virginia a lot,
I actually run into stuff like this
on occasion. - Oh, wow.
(cheerful music)
- Hey, Legal Eagles.
Today, we are reacting to an episode of "Bob's Burgers"
called "A Few 'Gurt Men",
and I'm not alone.
I'm joined by none other than Law by Mike.
- Yep, it's two lawyers.
One. (slurps)
(Mike mumbles)
It's two lawyers, one "Bob's Burgers".
- Gene, breakfast, yum.
- Sorry I took so long, but I think you'll agree,
it was worth the wait.
- Ooh.
- So what are your thoughts on suit jacket, but shorts.
- Oh, the short suit look?
Definitely not gonna fly in court.
- I mean, it's very breathable, though.
- Do you take your pants and then cut them,
or do they actually come that way tailored?
- I mean, you can always convert
any really high price suit into shorts.
- It's almost as bad,
I think the worst I've ever seen,
like it wasn't me personally seeing it,
but was someone who wore the jersey
that they allegedly stole. - No.
- Did you see that viral video?
- Yeah, they supposedly stole this sports jersey
and they wore it to court.
- All right, you're charged with stealing a Dolphin jersey?
Hmm...
- That's, I mean, look, it's circumstantial evidence.
It's very strong circumstantial evidence.
- Not the best look.
For all you people out there,
if you're going to court, dress as best as you can.
Even if you have to borrow a suit, borrow a suit.
Do not show up to court wearing casual clothes.
The judges hate that, and it will hurt your case,
even though it's not supposed to.
- Indochino.
- Do you think we should make a fashion line
of suit shorts?
- If someone would buy it, I'd do it.
- What do you guys think out there?
Should we have a Legal Eagle/Law by Mike short brand?
- I'm gonna pass on that.
- Yes.
- I think the answer's no.
- Why are you wearing your fancy clothes?
- Gene's all dressed up for the school-wide mock trial.
He's the big, tough prosecutor.
- Oh, right, right.
- I'm a sharp-dressed, silver-tongued devil.
- Not in those shorts. - He's going against Louise.
- Yeah, that is kind of an issue.
- Sharp-dressed.
- Did you ever do mock trial as a kid?
- I didn't do mock trial.
I did do some trial practice in my law firm.
But what about you?
- I did mock trial basically every year
starting in middle school.
- Middle school?
- Yeah, I mean, I did mock trial for,
I don't know, like 12 years or something.
I was always really excited as a kid,
either doing mock trial or debate
and getting to dress up fancy with a suit and tie.
- I still get excited,
I mean, that's why I never take this thing off.
(Devin laughs)
- Yeah, it was back in the day
when "Ally McBeal" was popular,
so it was like, the big fashion statement was pink tie,
pink metallic tie with pink shirt,
or purple metallic tie with purple shirt.
That was the big stuff back then.
- This sounds as bad as the shorts.
(both laugh)
- And he's going up against Louise,
the savvy defense lawyer.
- It's Belcher against Belcher.
- We win either way.
- Well, see, right there, though,
you got Belcher versus Belcher,
so two siblings going against each other.
- Yeah, is that an ethical violation?
- Well, under ABA rules,
you have to get consent from your clients,
because there is a little bit of a concern.
If you know the other party's lawyer,
maybe you're gonna give some information away,
if you have some relationship.
- And we can't forget the most important role of all,
Tina, the juror.
- With great jury comes great responsibility.
- Well, you definitely can't have a family member
on the jury. - Yes, I mean,
so, I mean, we talk about peremptory challenges
versus challenges for cause a lot in voir dire.
I have to imagine that would be
an automatic for cause challenge.
- I wish I could sit on the jury
and zone out while we do a mock trial of Snow White.
Whoa, do you think the Evil Queen
gave Snow White a poison apple?
- Yes.
- That's for a jury of our peers to decide, but probably.
- It's just so baby-ish.
- In high school, I also participated in a mock trial
in my English class, I think,
which is what they're doing here.
I think it was Antigone,
so we read the Greek play.
That doesn't make any sense,
because Antigone commits suicide,
so I don't think we would've put her on trial for that.
King Creon said, oh, that's what it was,
don't bury the body of Poluneices, and she did.
This is a really esoteric issue
that we're dealing with here.
- How many viewers out there know this story?
- Yes.
Thank you for tuning into legal antiquities.
We're gonna be covering all of Sophocles' plays.
It's a completely new channel.
- Legal BC, Legal You'll Be Seeing.
- Yeah, now that we have one viewer left,
let's, I guess, get on with "Bob's Burgers".
- Okay, everyone, Judge Conklin is just outside
and he's ready to begin.
He's retired, but today he's gonna hear our case
and guide us through the process.
Bailiff Zeke, why don't you get us started?
- Hear ye, hear ye.
The court of the Honorable Judge Conklin is now in session.
- I like how he has a cutoff.
- Yeah.
- Maybe you should call me
the somewhat respectable Judge Conklin.
- (laughs) Oh, gah, he's funny.
- Ooh, the somewhat wet and messy Judge Conklin.
I had little accident, just water, not pee.
- (laughs) Oh, god, this guy has got no filter.
Be seated.
- So what's your policy on making jokes in the courtroom?
- Oh, definitely wouldn't do it.
- Never at all?
- I mean, yeah, I try to stray away from it.
Obviously, you can understand how the judge is,
depending on, if it's your first time seeing the judge,
I always take the more conservative approach.
You know, if the other side is doing silly stuff
or things that are making the judge angry,
let them go off on.
- Yeah, of course, yeah.
And I think we can both agree, the policy is that,
when the judge makes the joke, you laugh at the joke.
- [Mike] Oh, you gotta laugh really hard.
Like it's the funniest joke you've ever heard.
- Never in my life have I heard anything funnier
than whatever the joke. - It is the best joke.
Judge should be a standup comedian.
- Your Honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
here are the facts.
The Evil Queen was jealous of my client,
the gorgeous but a little sun wouldn't kill her Snow White,
and gave her a poison apple,
sending her into a sleeping death.
To sum it up, not cool,
so do your thing and return a verdict of guilty.
- Okay. - That's pretty argumentative
for an opening statement. - Oh, yeah.
Yeah, you can't have argumentative portions
in your opening statements,
and not cool, I mean, yeah,
that's pretty much an argument right there,
if you asked me.
- Pretty, pretty light on facts.
You're supposed to tell the jury what is going to come out.
You're supposed to proffer
what the witnesses are going to say,
and maybe, at the end,
you might say and because of this evidence,
we will ask you to return a verdict of guilty
at the end of the trial.
- We save the arguments for closing,
after the jury has seen all the evidence,
and then you can argue why that evidence proves your point.
- Yeah, it's opening statements, not opening arguments.
- Exactly.
- Okay, counterpoint, she's not guilty.
Thank you.
- Okay, well,
that was even worse than the first one. (laughs)
- Yeah, that was pretty bad.
I mean, at that point,
one thing that most people don't realize that you can
and often should do is just reserve your opening statement
until after the prosecution's case in chief,
so that you can craft your opening statement
to respond to their points and craft your entire case.
- You know, sometimes it's better to know
what you're going against,
especially 'cause the jury usually forgets what you say.
By the time you go and have to present your case,
they've already forgotten your opening.
- Oh, yeah, the recency effect is absolutely real.
No one will remember what the prosecution said
days and days ago,
so to be able to give an opening statement
much later in the case can be a huge advantage.
- Yeah, what was that?
I'm kidding.
(both laugh)
- I'm a little slow today.
- What am I supposed to do?
I mean, her first name is Evil.
So you're a charming prince, huh?
- Yes, I am.
- And what kind of charmer goes around kissing dead girls?
- I mean, presumably,
the prosecution had to call the witness,
and then she's being- - She's crossing.
- She's cross-examining this witness, right?
Yeah, so she's allowed to ask leading questions.
- So leading questions are allowed
when you're cross examining a adverse witness,
which this person would be, 'cause, like you were saying,
prosecution probably brought them up as a direct witness.
But when it's the other side, they can't do it,
because it's almost like spoon feeding them.
- And one trick to get around that is,
if you're directing a witness and it's your witness,
basically, all you have to do is say,
and what happened next?
If you're ever stuck, just ask,
and what happened after that?
- Get off my back.
- How many corpses did you kiss
before you found your Snow White, Romeo?
- None.
- How many?
- One. - How many?
- Four. - How many?
- I don't know!
- Definitely an objection in there.
- Is the fact that Prince Charming kissed a corpse
and arguably created all kinds of criminal liability,
is that relevant to what he's being questioned on here?
It doesn't go to the witness's veracity for truth
and it doesn't go towards the Evil Queen's guilt.
- Exactly.
- And it's also super gross. - Yeah, very gross.
- Help!
- Order, order!
Now, are you going somewhere with this, counselor?
- No, not really.
I just wanted to upset the witness, Your Honor.
- Looks like you did it.
- I did it, yeah.
- If there are no-
- I don't think a judge, first of all,
if a lawyer admits that that was their purpose,
they're probably gonna be in some sanction trouble,
I would imagine.
- Yeah.
- Most lawyers would at least try to play it off
like they weren't intentionally trying to do it.
- Yeah, do not admit that you asked
a whole bunch of questions in bad faith.
- Yeah.
Now, that's not to say that lawyers don't do this
and try to get under the skin of witnesses.
It's definitely a tactic that is done,
but they're certainly never gonna admit it.
You didn't hear it from me.
- Yeah, not a good lawyer.
- If there are no further questions,
it's time for the jury to deliberate.
- All right, then.
I guess I ask for a mistrial?
It's impossible for my client, the Evil Queen,
to get a fair trial here,
because everyone knows the story of Snow White.
- Huh, no one has ever asked for a mistrial.
- It's an okay argument, but if you're going, really,
what she's doing is not asking for a mistrial
so much as a motion for change of venue,
and she really should have made that motion
before the court proceeded.
- Although I do wonder, like, what venue can they go to
where they don't know the story of Snow White?
- You get a limiting instruction from the judge
that says don't refer to her as the Evil Queen.
- Yeah, that should definitely have been done, for sure.
Yeah, an instruction would be necessary,
and throughout the whole case,
just referred to as the Queen.
- Yeah, or maybe her first name.
- Her first name is Evil.
- Instead of implying royalty or something.
- So you'll grant me one?
- Nope, the jury seems impartial and capable.
Jury, how do you find the defendant?
- The impartial, capable, mysterious, and glamorous jury
rules in favor of the prosecution.
We find the Evil Queen guilty.
- Shocking.
- Sweet lady justice.
- Yeah, so I don't think Snow White
would be a particularly good piece of literature
to do a mock trial over,
because it's so stacked against the defense.
- Yeah, well, that's what's happening here, right?
- Yeah, I mean what defense could you come up with
for the Evil Queen here?
She poisons Snow White.
- Could do an insanity defense,
she didn't know the difference between right and wrong?
- Maybe.
I mean, she's-
- Although she thinks she's like mirror, mirror-
- [Devin] She is talking to a mirror, though.
- Maybe she is a little crazy.
- Yeah, she claims to have a magic mirror
that can tell her who's the fairest in all the land.
You'd have a really tough time coming up with a defense
for the Evil Queen here.
- Yeah.
- DBD.
- I don't know.
I have to sleep on that one. - Yeah.
No, I see what you did there.
- No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did!
- I did not!
- What is going on?
- Mr. Frond stole my yogurt.
Look, this is his trash can.
Gasp, right?
- I did not eat that yogurt.
- It's a crime of passion fruit.
- Sounds like you need a lawyer.
Hey, let's try this in student court.
We've already got a judge.
- Sounds like you need a lawyer.
I know, at least in the personal injury area,
you know, if someone gets in an accident,
you can't just run up and be like,
sounds like you need a lawyer.
I presume it's the same kind of thing,
like if someone's dealing with a legal issue,
lawyers can't just appear outta nowhere and be,
hey, here's my card.
- [Devin] Yeah, yeah, you'd think so.
- I'm fine taking this to student court.
Let the whole school see that Mr. Frond
is a dirty yogurt thief.
- I am not a thief!
I'd be happy to take this to student court.
- What happens when you find Frond guilty?
Does this school have the death penalty?
- How about, if the jury finds him guilty,
he has to wear a sign all day that says
I'm a disgusting yogurt thief.
- Ha, yes!
- And if he's found innocent,
then you have to wear a sign all day
that reads I'm a filthy liar mouth.
- So, it would be completely improper
for the plaintiff and defendant to conspire with a judge
to decide what the potential outcome
of this case is going to be,
but it's kind of like arbitration,
where they're just agreeing to the terms of the arbitration
or agreeing to liquidated damages
before going to arbitration.
Okay, this gets much worse
and goes completely off the rails,
but watch part two of this video
over on Law by Mike's channel.
Of course, stay for the grade for legal realism.