Hey look what I made, (laughs), What? A! So today we’re finishing B.
I did a video like this in 2018 in this very room, I’ve lost my knitting needle. Hello?
where I knitted and updated you on my life and you know because there’s like so
much happening this year like just so much, I’ve been doing a million things, you know?
Like 2016, that was nothing. This year I’ve been, I’ve been, I’ve not been doing
much. I’ve been doing a lot of knitting. I might as well update you on something.
That’s not very tight is it (I’ve heard that before)
Oh fuck, did I drop the stitch? No. I am really struggling to comprehend how to just
write off a year, just write it off our lives. Time? Fine.
My anxious brain is convinced that this is the start of the end. Like it is.
Climate Change, Trumps in power, make sure he doesn’t get another year.
Please check your voter registration letter. Handy link you know climate change pretty real
and I keep imagining like documentaries in the year 2017, where they’re like “Well it all started
with the pandemic, 2020 coronavirus. Where it all went downhill, you know we had little hints
of things that were going wrong. The ice caps were melting, but we were all just turning a blind eye.
Until we couldn't no more.” Let’s just not think about it.
I’m ill by the way but it’s not ‘The Rona’ Miss Rona. I got tested. I spat in a
tube, I just had to spit in it until it reached the line… Rank! (Coughs)
Every time I think my tea choice is settled in changes again, the same with my make up. It’s
almost like life is really long and possibilities are endless. And possibilities of life are
endless and who knows what you’ll be, who knows what you’ll become. So many accents in this video.
I just I use this like powdered chai thing… I know it feels quite blasphemous, blasphemous? (what’s
phemous ever done to you?) but yeah, I just mix it with hot water and add oat milk. Oh that's the
main thing, I only drink with oat milk now, normal milk tastes well weird it's like sour almost
I've been going through therapy, not therapy, “therapy”. I won’t give too much detail but I’ll
tell you what, I will share with you with tip that might give an insight as to what it’s been like.
So you know your black hole (not that one) the black hole in you. (oh fuck)
Room 101, shall we say? (where’s my yarn, oh fuck where’s my yarn?)
That door that you close every damn day of your life you hold it shut,
whenever you're doing anything. The worry that owns you, it is bigger than you,
for every now and again will overcome you. But you try your darndest not to look at.
My advice… look at it, look at it once a week. Dedicate some time every Thursday, (let’s
say) that said to actively open the door. It’s not fun, the first time I did I nearly
vommed, the next time I did it, I was in a relatively good mood, I didn’t want to open
the door, but I opened the door. Cried again.
Every week open the door, stair into it. Stair into Chernobyl. Can I say that?
It’s really hard, but if you cushion it with self-care, and then what you’ve done,
is you have become in charge, in control of it, and it is no longer bigger than you.
Because you grieve on your own time, that’s what I’ve been doing, it’s really
interesting, it gives you the power. Eventually things will be processed,
well that’s the idea. I’m not a professional therapist,
there are some things that probably should be looked at, you know with trained professionals.
Right, what else? Let’s just end with something nice.
I’ve got back in to reading, god I’m a literal fucking granny, look at me. “Got back into
reading” Started with a few books, and now I solely read anything by Madeline Miller.
There are only two books out. It’s just so funny how friends recommend books
to me and I’m like, no I’m not big into fantasy, you know like kings and queens or drinking out
of goblets or you know magic or mystery, you know that stuffs just not really my thing.
And then I read the Song of Achilles, and suddenly I was showering by candlelight and
eating bread wine and cheese, and I replied to my manager like “I spoke like a child but no matter”
I’ve filmed about 5 videos and not edited them or uploaded them because I am just convinced
that I am boring. And also, I’m just so aware that I share 1% of my life now.
Truly what you see here is 1% and so I suppose I wanted to ask formally for your hand in marria…
No do you, in the kindest way possible, do you understand, and do you accept my 1% of my life?
Sounds really dramatic. Are you okay with the fact that
this is my 1% self? Do you accept that? I think that I just don’t know how to
exist as this very small fraction of me online without feeling guilty and I have
so much guilt in my life. I really would like to try and
limit it so I suppose I would like to ask you, and if you just
need more than the other 98%, 99% of me is in my music cause i'm an ARTISTTTTT
I might just cut all that out, I can’t believe I got ill. I was being really judgey of everyone who
got ill, I was like, “Well you’re not being careful then are you”? and then I got ill.
Alright, Where’s my A?
That’s so cool.
That’s all, bye.