so
you know
well i'm currently very tired because i just spent like 20 hours on flights because i visited
my family in bali i got bitten by a cat and i can't stop thinking about how i might have rabies
because for some reason i'm producing more saliva or is that just because i'm tired and thirsty
um i'm also awaiting some masters for some new songs um struggling with communicating exactly
what i want and what i'm hearing forever feeling like i'm waiting to improve myself by exercising
or working hard and just being better but i'm not i still wait for me to do that and
i'm just not doing that i'm still hung up on the same boy for like three [ __ ] years
i am grumpy a lot that's me how are you
so i'm halfway through this project halfway through the year and i've noticed the pattern
writing a song goes as follows i write something it's really hard and i hate
it i think it's rubbish i think it's absolute bold i promise myself i'll write something else
or write something better come to the end of the month i do not have time that's what i've got so
i've sat on it i've let it cook and then i film it i add all the harmonies it exists as a song
suddenly i love it i'm like wow it's even better than last month and then i'm convinced
next month's song will be nowhere near as good rinse and repeat i mentioned last month
i was struggling i'm like a little depressed i think um and i know i'm depressed because
i emailed a therapist on my holiday with my family my brother's a doctor
he said to me something along the lines of you have derealization because your mindfulness muscle
is broken i've really been thinking about that it is i am the complete opposite of mindful
i live in every other time apart from this one because i'm so [ __ ] spaced out it's not fun
that is a fairy yeah i don't know i need to fix it um so i emailed a mindfulness-based therapist
i hope she applies i didn't know what it is am i just really busy and i think what's bad is like
the usual stuff around me isn't making me feel better a little bit spirally
i did a podcast with um susie collier and she said something really interesting she said
that spiraling is useful because every time you go back around you learn something new
and it's uncomfortable but is it always negative that's nice it's not all bad june's song is up now
i like it called don't want to know cause i don't want to know i hope i feel better next month
okay